Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Emergency Appeal

This is an Emergency Appeal on behalf of the people of nearby Banstead who last Friday were visited by an unimaginable calamity - their branch of Waitrose burned down.

The disaster has left hundreds of villagers without access to the sparkling mineral water that you and I take for granted. Starving locals must now make the agonising 10 minute drive to find food for their families.

In a harrowing interview with a local paper, Banstead resident Lionel Blair revealed that he used to shop in that branch of Waitrose when he first moved to the area - before adding that he has launched a new online game ‘Lionel Blair; Dancing On Thin Ice’, in which the star can be seen tap dancing on an icy lake.

Meanwhile conditions in Banstead have deteriorated so rapidly that some residents have even resorted to Tesco.

The villagers are in urgent need of:

  • Couscous
  • Quails eggs
  • Foie Gras (although any terrine will suffice)
  • Wild-caught extra large Canadian prawns

Just £40 can feed a family of four for a whole day (£48.99 including wine). Please give generously.

Thank You

12 COMMENTS (Add Yours Now!):

NS said...

This may be one of your best posts ever.

I'll go back to Marie Curie and insist they give me my donation back so I can help these poor souls out.

coffee man said...

perhaps the charity donation (green tokens)at our local Waitrose could be diverted for the benefit of the recently impoverished of Bansted

young buck said...

Let them eat cake (all be it not the freshly prepared cream cake from the Waitrose counter but Sainsbury's taste the difference should suffice)

Tunbridge Wails said...

Dear God! and at Christmas as well. My heart goes out to these poor people. I'll be donating a 2-pack of Creme Brulee and a couple of spatchchock Poussin. It's not much but every little helps.

Gordo's Neighbour said...

Waitrose do not sell foie gras. :-(

Anonymous said...

You are one incredibly arrogant and unfunny person.

Worcester Park said...

Thanks!! I've had over 90,000 page views this year, so it's good to know that arrogance and unfuniness are still so popular.

Anonymous said...

They do sell foie gras - first aisle, far end, top shelf on the left hand-side facing the tendor steaks...

Ian Morris said...

I've heard they are selling a new smoked foie gras now

Old Mouldy said...

Don't shed too many tears, they still have an M&S Food outlet. Perhaps we could organise an exchange deal?

Anonymous said...

Only £40 pounds - have they been cutting back since the start of the credit crunch?

I have fond memories of Waitrose Banstead - Christmas Eve 2007 to be precise(that was in the days when we didn't have a Waitrose in WP and had to use other people's). In the rush to reverse into a parking space, a local reversed about 15 metres straight into the front of my brand new car. Fortunately I had a witness, when he gave me his card, he was a salesperson from my dealership.

Great post - keep up the good work!

Worcester Park said...

You mean 1997?

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